From the mouth of babes

Samantha Smith – Opinion Writer|

I was floundering back and forth on whom to vote for in the presidential election. Stuck between an aversion to anything that smells remotely of “God Bless America” (i.e. any sign on church property) and a general mistrust of big government, this election wasn’t an easy one for me.

So, to educate myself, I decided to go straight to the source of all universal knowledge. There is no demographic in the human race more knowledgeable about any and everything than elementary school children.

I know this definitively. I work at an after-school program.

When I brought together a host of children ages 5-10 to garner their opinions on our 2012 presidential candidates, this is what I learned:

First, let’s discuss the Republican nominee. Mitt Roamy has awesome hair. It’s brown, and all presidents should have brown hair.  His campaign of “taxes and toys” has found a large following among younger demographics. His reputation for being awesome and nice precedes him greatly. But most of his support is based in anti-Obama sentiments, and that might not be enough to pull off a win against Satan’s helpers—I mean the Democrats. But Roamy does, reportedly, have Nicki Minaj on his side. Which is weird because she’s black. Oh, and Matt Ryan’s hair isn’t bad to look at either.

Which brings us to Iraq Obama. The main complaint against Iraq is his broken promise of creating a million more jobs, despite the 8 trillion people that have lost jobs in the past four years. He is also accused of not helping the firefighters and generally being a downright meany and a liar. An alarming percentage of non-voters polled are under the vehement impression that Iraq has no idea what he’s doing. (I must, however, insert that the most adamant anti-Obama-ist is the 5-year-old daughter of a doctor and may or may not be considered an unbiased source.)

However, Iraq’s goods far outweigh his bads. For one, his wife was on iCarly, which is awesome. He’s black, which makes him, in general, much cooler than Roamy. And as a thick-tongued first grader slowly explained, “If someone else is president then it won’t be the same, and it will be different because he’s a different person, and he’s not the same.” Wise words.

The other competitors:

President Washington (not the old one: he’s dead; this is the new one) holds out a tough position on provisional plans for the zombie apocalypse. However, his popularity pales in comparison with President Honey Boo Boo. The little-known candidate President Poopy Head has a lot of experience in crappy situations, but he is generally believed to be unfit for the office as is.

I will admit that most of the children polled are middle-class, white, church-going, southern conservatives. (Roll Tide!) I did try to incorporate diversity by bringing in children of races other than Caucasian. This attempt was foiled when one child (whose race will remain undisclosed) responded to the question “Who do you think your parents will vote for?” with an unaffected “My parents can’t vote.”

 

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