By Samantha Smith |
Students of Samford University, it is with great honor and humility that We accept the recognition you have bestowed upon Us as your Homecoming Queen. No greater honor could bring Us more respect and qualification in the real world than that which has been given Us here today. We rest assured that as We depart from the gates of this holy land, the title of Homecoming Queen will follow Us through life like the lamp lighting the way of the faithful disciple. Like the choir of beautiful starving orphans with which We spent one whole sacrificial week of Our summer, let us all come forth and sing of Our glory. “This little Homecoming Crown of mine, I’m going to let it shine!”
Although this recognition has long been Ours for the taking, We are confident in Our decision—as you commoners say—to “lay low” in the competition for the crown for the past three years. We, being of like mind and equal hairstyle as Princess Diana, have no problem letting the little people play with the crown jewels, so long as they return unscathed. Thus, We extend the hand of grace to those who have, ignorant of Our divine right, sought to challenge Our ascension to glory by feebly placing the crown upon their own heads.
But the time for meager leadership is over. Oh ye of lesser majesty, I address you with haste and urgency, that We, rising from the ashes of the monarchs before Us, may drag behind Us the futile minds of the masses into a new dawn for Samford University. We, as your Queen, accept upon Us the heavy burden of all Our duties.
We promise to promote ourselves shamelessly to the art of being elected Queen, invoking God’s will without pause. We promise to uncompromisingly breathe over the shoulders of Our friends, relatives and complete strangers as they continue in the pursuit of God’s sovereignty by voting for Us on Portal. In an effort to adequately represent the privileged upper-middle class blessedness of Samford’s general population, We promise to devote countless hours to the choice of which vehicle makes Us look more astute in the Homecoming Parade. We promise to choose, three months in advance, the dress that will shroud Our divinely chosen body for (and only for) the marvelous day of the Restoration. And as your leader, We promise to ruthlessly pursue any Catholics, atheists, homosexuals, feminists, liberals, evolutionists, people that have sex before marriage and Auburn fans. We hereby swear to so punish their treasonous little hind-quarters as the Lord hath bade Us do in his Holy Word. Roll Righteous Tide.
Therefore, let Us be eternally enshrined in the hall of our beautiful and popular mothers. Let our picture be plastered in Entre Nous with Our named miss-spelled and Our class year wrong.
It is with this declaration that We humbly, with fear and trembling, accept the crown that you have bestowed upon Our head. The things which We have here promised, We will perform and keep. So help Us God.