The silly, sarcastic Crimson study guide

Garrett Vande Kamp – Opinion Columnist |

Good afternoon, class. I know your Crimson final exam is coming up, and being the gracious professor that I am, I have decided to write you a study guide. You will need to know the background of each columnist for your final. The details are not exhaustive, but they should provide you with a good starting point.

Zach Brown: Zach is probably the most conceited columnist. In his God-like position of Opinion Editor, he puts a short column of his into the section every week. If that were not enough for his ego, he also likes to put in drawings to shamelessly promote a blog that no one visits (stickmenwithmartinis.com). This leaves less space for other columns, but since no one reads the Crimson, no one cares.

Taylor Burgess: Novice readers hate to read about politics (or actual opinions). So, when they see Taylor’s seemingly normal articles, they flock to them. Unfortunately, they fail to realize that he is in a metaphorical masturbation moment when he writes. Desperately trying to make sense of the nonsense that comes out of his keyboard, confused readers ultimately lose faith in the Opinion section altogether and turn to Feautres.

Evan Elmore and Katie Savage: Not much to write about. Their columns are well-written, but about subjects that are not interesting. They probably will not appear on your final, but they deserve mention.

Adam Quinn: Poor Adam has a strange, severe hearing disorder. When someone says, “I am a Christian,” he hears, “I hate all gay people; Love Jesus or leave Samford.” As sincerely as possible, Adam tries to combat this false demon with his column. Little does he know that the whole campus is aware of his disorder and rather lazily ignores him. When he realizes that yet another article has fallen on deaf ears, he goes to hide in the corner of campus that feels sorry for him, the Fellows room.

Sam Smith: During her freshman year, Sam discovered an exciting form of literature: satire. Like the Christian converts she loves to patronize, she desperately tries to spread the gospel of satire to all corners of the campus. For about two articles, it works. Eventually, however, her celebrity status is lost in her lack of content. Now, her articles are treated like a tabloid in a check-out aisle. The editor still publishes them because, to be quite honest, no one else wants to write.

Wes Spears: Wes never really had autonomy; he was always Aaron Carr’s lackey. When Aaron graduated, Wes saw an opportunity. Wes now spends his time vigorously attempting to rehash what Aaron did, but keeps things interesting.

Garrett Vande Kamp: Are you kidding me? I cannot write my own biography; I would be too modest. If you have an idea for a 75 word biography, post it in the comment section of samfordcrimson.com. Bonus points to the most ridiculous one!

Good luck on your exams, class! See you after Christmas break!

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